Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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