if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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