i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
