Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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