There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
