I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
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I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
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We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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