Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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