i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
