how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
