my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
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My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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