Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
