Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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