i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
