fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
