...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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