if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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