I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
