Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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