Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
