if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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