I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
