Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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