Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
