hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
