Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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