i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
