i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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