Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
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Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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