Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
