I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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