He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
