if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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