Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job