So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
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My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.