Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
