there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
True strength comes from lack of pants
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
