so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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