Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
