highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
