his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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