I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
