I cannot find my penis.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
