Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
