Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
