He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
