I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
