i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
