If i come over, it means nothing
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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