headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
