You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
