I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
