Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
