My hand turned me down
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
