I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
